The Gnomicon

The Gnomicon is a collection of holy books, the first of which was written by Papa Gnöb upon his departure from Arthos in 926 of the fourth era. Subsequent sections were added by his disciples in the years to follow. It is split into four primary sections: The 24 Holy Protestations, Thine Most Horrid Locutions, The Tale of Papa Gnöb, and lastly a collection of Papa's Hymns.

Immunditia (Dirt)

 * Slovenly art those who consume that which hath known soil for more than five ticks of an Arthosian clock
 * Cease thy smoking of dirt
 * Thou mustn’t leaveth soil in the crook of thine arm
 * Soil is not a medium of amusement
 * Neither end of a swine shouldst toucheth a child's garments

Furorem (Anger)

 * If it be true thou leavest out thine belongings and another did tread upon them, restrain thine anger toward that gent, for the fault is upon thineself
 * To know true anger is to accompany a man who cheweth with maw ajar
 * Kill not a man who spilleth wine upon thine garments
 * Thou mustn’t choke a babe which crieth louder than the Moonfinch

Ignavia (Sloth)

 * Leaketh not thy piss in the street when yon privy lieth not a stone’s throw hence
 * Wipeth thy buttocks, I plead of thee
 * A man shouldst fulfill his duties before he rests, lest he becometh a debtor to an irate fellow

Tactio (Touching)

 * Thy grubby digits are made not for grasping greasy foodstuffs, but to use utensils as the Gods intended
 * If upon yon road walks an urchin, keep thy hands in thy pockets for several reasons
 * Rodents have teeth for a reason; touch not a wayward rat
 * Embrace only those closest to thou, for strangers wish not to smell that which thou hadst eaten for lunch

Stultitia (Stupidity)

 * Educate thyself before making triflous oaths against the government
 * A man who speaks loudly must either be deaf of ear or empty of mind
 * Foolish is the man who believes in the medicinal properties of urine

Thine Most Horrid Locutions

 * Ahh - [see “Uhh”]
 * Cabige - never sayeth “Cabige” unto a childing mistress or the babe shall perish
 * Cargle - thou wilt surely recognize this onomatopoeia for the action which follows
 * Chrug - the meaning of “Chrug” alone has been lost, but woe to the child who calls another a “Chruggy-ass Qoob.” “Qooby-ass Chrug,” however, is highest praise coming from a priest. [see: “Qoob”]
 * Cokc - never tell a baker that his bread smelleth of “Cokc”
 * Cugg - the meaning of “Cugg”, which once wast acceptable, is anon abhorrent to the human ear
 * Cugularius - that part of a fish we all very much wanteth to touch, but morally cannot
 * Elemeno-Pea - the fruit of any plant yond which hath felt the cool touch of Ichabogg
 * Farth - never utter “Farth” in the presence of anything ambulatory lest it be crippled hence
 * Garfunkel - the fungus which graces many a Northman’s undergarments, and is used as a soup for their slaves
 * Gloi - the most foul way to refer to a distant family member
 * Gog - the seldom referred to fifth cardinal direction, between North and Southeast
 * Gollup - though the word means “muffin-batter,” it is phonoaesthetically detestable to the ear of man and Gnöb alike
 * Greem - not the same word as “greme” by any account. Thou surely musn’t confuseth the two
 * Grungt - comical to the child, yet repulsive in its own right
 * Ichabogg - the name of a man of whom no sane man speaks
 * Melk - thou soundest as a fool
 * Narriage - divorce by way of murder
 * Natrimony - murder by way of divorce and hot oil
 * Pis - “Pis” causeth babes to whimper and God to weep
 * Prubint - “Prubint” is a favorite among men as a slur for a human woman pregnant with Gnöb-blooded child
 * Pyo - “Pyo” was originally designed as a blessing but it went oh so poorly
 * Qoob - A priest may call you “Qooby,” but to say so in return is absolute blasphemy
 * Rape - thou can upon occasion utter this if it be what thou desireth
 * Retarm - an archaic, but recognizable term equating to the modern “preschool marriage”
 * Sharte - diarrhoea
 * Shid - never say “Shid” to a parent or wife
 * Skid-marke - a slur for the kind folk south of the mountains
 * Skrnte - the word cometh from the tongue of the sentient apes beyond the great sea. It meaneth “excrement”
 * Skwydwyrd - “Skwydwyrd” hath no origins in the tongues of man, yet means more than any could know
 * Slirm - verily, the fluid of the gall bladder hath a name
 * Sprimb - thou knowest when thou seest a word which represents a reproductive organ
 * Spum - that cruel instrument of the stinky denizens of Tortureworld
 * Sput - while the word “Sput” is unoffensive to most, the action is surely the scourge of man
 * Thwee - “I’m Thwee” will surely send you to Tortureworld
 * Uhh - close thine mouth whilst thou think
 * Umm - “Umm” means “to curb stomp a nephew”
 * Uzbek - too holy it is to utter “Uzbek” while clothed
 * Warriage - divorce by way of Slirm
 * Watrimony - murder by way of Shid and Pis followed by divorce
 * Whu’d - “Whu’d” is a crass verb meaning “to not understand” but with a connotation of extreme desire to commit comically enormous amounts of mischief
 * Wirboy - the word “Wirboy” just maketh everyone so sad
 * Wuggy - “Wuggy” can cast birds from the sky. Be wary to speak it near any man who eateth his soup
 * Ximglie - under no circumstances shall thou call thine local street performer “Ximglie”

The Tale of Papa Gnöb
[see The Tale of Papa Gnöb]

Papa’s Hymns
Though all the Hymns of Papa Gnöb were written in the tongue of Old Trevö, it is considered divine providence that they, by seemingly improbable coincidence, rhyme when translated into our modern dialect. In the original manuscript of the Gnomicon, the Great Papa included many musical annotations, most of which we now have no way of understanding. It should be noted that the word “Wuggy,” which is used to indicate a line break or pause in the metre, is in fact listed among the Most Horrid Locutions. Most scholars claim that wuggy was such a holy word as to only be uttered in the sacred context of prayer and cantillation. With all this in mind, the wuggy is only present in the chantings of the priestly traditions of Valdö, and elsewhere is not pronounced. 

Hymn 1
 

Papa please be good to us,

We childr’n down on earth,

For seemingly superfluous,

Are life and death and birth. wuggy

 

Please kill the bullies whom

We hate and loathe and hate.

Murder them with sacred doom;

Consign them to their fate.

 

O gloriously heavy and the thickest Papa Lord,

Protect us from all horrid men with your massive horde.

 

O Gnöb Papa, O Wonder of the Lands,

Smite the Nations with your 7 metaphoric hands. wuggy